


Guilt and Desire Pt. 1

by lesbianferrissbueller



Series: also on tumblr! [5]
Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: (or so he thinks), Angst, Guilt, M/M, Masturbation, One-Sided Attraction, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:01:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24802771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbianferrissbueller/pseuds/lesbianferrissbueller
Summary: If Steve says hey to Billy in the hallway these days, waves however briefly, Billy will say hey back. And then he’ll pray to fucking god - not that god would likely listen to him- that the look back he gets from Steve doesn't mean the guy can read minds.Because if he could, he’d know Billy tracked the movement of Steve’s hand, up, back down to his side, like he watched Steve drums his fingers on his desk, of pick up a pencil, or run a hand through his hair, all for the same, perverted, guilt-inducing reason.
Relationships: Billy Hargrove/Steve Harrington
Series: also on tumblr! [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1725826
Comments: 4
Kudos: 64





	Guilt and Desire Pt. 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [FlashMountain](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlashMountain/gifts).



> in response to this ask:  
> Heyyyyyyy I just humbly wanted to ask you ‘bout your opinion on Billy jerking off to Steve’s hand and to fantasies about what those hands could do and tryin’ to touch himself like he knows Steve could

If Steve says hey to Billy in the hallway these days, waves however briefly, Billy will say hey back. And then he’ll pray to fucking god - not that god would likely listen to him- that the look back he gets from Steve doesn't mean the guy can read minds. 

Because if he could, he’d know Billy tracked the movement of Steve’s hand, up, back down to his side, like he watched Steve drums his fingers on his desk, of pick up a pencil, or run a hand through his hair, all for the same, perverted, guilt-inducing reason. 

_Material_. 

It wasn't even like he tried to do it. If it was something he consciously did it would have been something he could stop. 

But every fucking day now, alone in his room with a hand down his pants he’d think about something like that wave- the way Steve has put his hand on his hip after. Billy wouldn't know if he wanted to be the hand or have it on himself. 

And quickly it would devolve.

He’d start thinking about Steve’s hand gripped in the fabric of his t-shirt as he pulled it over his head in the locker room. He’d think about Steve’s hands glancing across his bare chest as he changed. Then about how the same hands would wide sweat from his upper lip-

Then he’d think about the same lip bleeding. The hand coming away with blood on it. 

And that was fucked up, that was so fucked up, but if Billy wasn't getting somewhere before, he would then. The more his guts ached, the faster he moved his hand, the less control he’d have over anything- especially his thoughts. 

So right before the finish- when his skin would feel hot and he’d tip his head back a little and let his eyes close- he’d think about what Steve's hand would feel like. Instead of his own. Pretend he could feel it. Smooth, probably, thin fingers wrapped all the way around Billy with how long they were, Steve's thumb swiping over the pearling pre at the tip, Steve’s lips on his neck, Steve’s voice murmuring Billy’s name a way Billy had never heard it before-

As soon as Billy came, he’d feel the guilt seep in. 

Barely a millisecond of ecstasy, of getting to feel that impossible closeness, of actually getting to lose himself in something nice, and he’d feel like even more of a worthless piece of shit than before. 

He’d want to move, to get up and shower or something just to pretend he hadn't been doing this, thinking that, but he’d just lie there. 

Feeling ice where the fire had been. Feeling disgusting. And knowing he’d do it all again the next day, the whole fucked up ritual, just to feel the fake closeness again. Just to keep pretending.


End file.
